I wrote not long ago about a book that I had seen reviewed in a British newspaper. The book called, “The Last Days” is a memoir written by Ali Millar about her growing up in the Jehovah’s Witness religion and about her eventual departure from the group. At the time that I wrote, the book had not yet been released in North America. It was released recently and I have been listening to the audio version. Millar is a great writer and a wonderful narrator of the audio version. She grew up in Scotland and since childhood was deeply involved in the Jehovah’s Witness church (Kingdom Hall). I recommend the book. There is a great deal that is compelling within it, but as my wife and I were listening to it while driving on a brief vacation this past week we found ourselves yelling at parts in the book where as a young girl Millar was given a view of God that was fearful and damaging.
The title of the book comes from a concept central in Millar’s experience of the religious group. Jehovah’s Witnesses consider themselves to be Christians. In Millar’s telling they consider themselves to be the only true Christians. Most other Christians see the religion as outside of Christian faith, as a distortion of Christianity at best. The concept that was central, to which the title refers, is that of the final judgment when most everyone is wiped out and only the true believers remain. This concept guided much of Millar’s understanding of God as she grew up. The book details how this became damaging and led to behaviour that was deemed unacceptable or dangerous, but that Millar herself describes as the only thing that felt like freedom. The writing is beautiful and descriptive, thoughtful and evocative in a way that the leads the reader to ask questions of their own faith and understanding. Here is one brief excerpt in which Millar speaks of her desire to get away from God (from God as she had come to know God);
“There was never any possibility of escaping God. He was the weekly refrain. God was the rhythm and the routine. God was the shadows and the light. God was in my dreams and my nightmares. God was the news on the radio. God was the weather. God was the after-dinner Bible reading. God was my other parent. God was the thing I wanted to escape from, but God was the impossibility and the certainty. God was the hills that fenced me in, God was the future, God was the limits of my imagination, God was the beginning and the end, God was the Word and the Word was God and God was the walls and the secrets behind them and God was the only truth, stretching into eternity.”
As I listened to the words I found myself praying for those who have been hurt by fearful and terrible views of God, including such views within the evangelical church. I am not saying that the evangelical church only gave such views of God, but there are certainly many people who grew up evangelical knowing what it was like to feel something similar to what Ali Millar describes from her Jehovah Witness upbringing.
Here is something that I have not heard from a lot of Christian leaders. Faith requires atheism. A friend of mine has repeated to me on a few occasions that he finds himself identifying with some atheists because the God that they don’t believe in is a God that he does not believe in either. In other words, if God is presented as vindictive, hateful, bigoted, misogynistic and generally terrible, then my friend who is a Christian and the atheist person to whom he is speaking both do not believe.
Some religious leaders, including apparently most in Ali Millar’s experience, are so insecure that they see non-belief as a threat. True faith requires a kind of non-belief. We must be open to rejecting damaging views of God. We can pray and be grateful when people stop believing in a God like that. We can pray that people we know would be free from such terror and control.
I like to think that God is not insecure like many religious leaders are. If God is real, then God does not see your questioning or even your unbelief as a threat. I found myself cheering for young Ali Millar, in her story, that she would find freedom. I had a sense that for her, not believing was more beneficial and life-giving and hopeful than believing in God as she had come to understand God.
I do pray for those of you who identify with stories like Millar’s. Even as I remain Christian, even as I am still a pastor and a chaplain, my faith includes a hope for you if a kind of atheism is necessary. I for one do not see this as a betrayal of your upbringing or a failure of character.
It is not always easy, in fact it is often terribly difficult, but if hearing it from me helps, then take that for what it is worth. My Christian faith includes a desire that people would be free from views of God that lend themselves to fear and control and constant self-doubt.
Reading Ali Millar’s book I am reminded that the experience of longing for freedom from such views is common. That’s why I prayed when I heard the words. I prayed for people I know, and those I don’t, who identify with what is expressed. If you are among those people I pray that you would actually be able to leave that kind of God behind, even if it means not-believing for a time (or for good).
There is hope in that, perhaps even hopeful faith.
Thanks for this Todd. Very meaningful and helpful.
Love casts out fear; but conversely fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, casts out goodness, casts out all thought of beauty and truth.
Aldous Huxley