There are many fears that I wished I could have excised, as a pastor, for the parishioners in the church that I helped to lead. It may be that I helped to alleviate some fears, but many are so deeply embedded that they are tough to get at, even if I had been a much better minister.
If I had to choose one fear to have erased, it would be this: the fear that so very many parents have for their teen or adult children who are not, “walking with the Lord” or who do not take up Christian belief and faith. Perhaps it used to be more common, but this fear is still around. It is comprised of a number of factors:
Fear of the judgment of others in the congregation, particularly as you witness kids in other families are active in the church and even articulate faith. A parallel fear to this, in the world outside of the church, is the fear of judgment from others over your adult children’s academic path or career “achievements.” Most people are still religious, just about different things, and religious fear has transferred now to money and professional status instead of religious faith.
Fear of personal failure as what might have been imagined when the kids were younger is that they would be “following the Lord” when they were teens and young adults. This is a kind of self-judgment and it can hurt deeply and lead to a kind of despair.
Fear for the grown children themselves as so many expectations for success, spiritually, and otherwise were placed upon them and assumed.
These are all real fears, but I felt that I discerned a common foundation to them all. This was a fear (not reverence, but a kind of terror) of God.
It’s terrible if you think that God is disappointed in you. Any theology that perpetrates this kind of fear is less than Christian.
It’s terrible if you think that other people will think less of you because of your kids. It turns out that sometimes they do, but the ones who think less of you are the insecure people. They need to think less of you to assuage their own insecurities. People who are at peace have no such need.
It’s terrible to think that God might separate you from your kids in some kind of eternal torture. This comes from a pagan, God-as-tyrant, reading of scripture that wrongly divides up the world.
If you are carrying a fear for your grown-up kids, based on their lack of interest or rejection in a faith that is very important to you, I am praying that you would be released from that fear. If you can let it go, I assure you that you will be opened to greater spiritual growth and to greater awareness of the love of God. Part of the fear is a kind of assumption of complacency. You’re afraid that if you don’t hold onto the fear then you must not care. This is not true. Letting go of the fear will actually help you to care in freedom and joy instead of in anxiety.
A couple of quick points:
God is better than you can imagine.
You can trust God.
There is so much of the image of God in your kids that you can barely plumb the depths of it. One thing that will keep you from seeing this image is the constraining wish that they could meet some spiritual or professional or academic or athletic desire that you have placed upon them. You’ll know such wishes are infected with fear when you experience your kid’s failure or disinterest as a personal affront or betrayal. This says more about you than it does about them. (I’m trying to sound pastoral as I write this. I have no interest in hurting you.)
When I worked with teenagers and with young adults I repeatedly used one particular resource in referencing the difference between faith and the presentation of an image.
I secured a copy of a VHS tape, that I still have, called, “Mental Hygiene: Classroom Films 1945-1970.” Even in the 90’s, the films played as a kind of satire of idealism and naïveté. They are social engineering films from a bygone era. The idea behind these films was that proper etiquette, and even proper behaviour, could be engineered. By the time the films began to focus on drugs in the late 60’s and early 70’s the whole enterprise was pretty much abandoned. It got really freaky. The films went from a “Leave it to Beaver” sensibility in the early days, to dark descriptions of the terror of marijuana and the people who partook by the latter days. I’m pretty confident that I’ll write more about these films later because there is gold in them.
There were also some little books and pamphlets that I kept on my shelf to remind me of how the social engineering mindset came to expression in the church as well. One of these is a small book, published in 1966 by Zondervan. It is called, “So You’re a Teenage Girl.” The book, in a kind of narrative form, doles out advice on (you guessed it), “Handling Your Emotions,” “Communicating with Mother,” “Being Fussy,” “Friends, Clothes and Hair,” “Chores,” and “God’s Standards.” I’m going to assume that the author of the book, who also had a radio show called, “Between us Women,” was well meaning. My interest is to point out that there was, at least, an idea that if faith and morality were taught and engineered properly, kids would make good choices and that among these choices would be the decision to follow Jesus.
I have another book, more of a pamphlet really, called “So What’s Wrong with Short Skirts and Long Hair?” This little gem, filled with Bible verses contorted into disturbing application, was written to both young women (what’s wrong with short skirts?) and young men (what’s wrong with long hair?) by Garry W. Seale.
(Side note to Garry if he’s still around: Garry, you know that these diatribes on the supposed sinfulness of other people, particularly when about skirts and hair, can also read as a kind of confession on the part of the author, right? I hope the best for you, Garry, but as Pink Floyd said, “Leave them kids alone.” end of side note)
Here is the inscription in the book, the dedication, I kid you not;
“To the elite of the earth - the Lord’s people.” (Oh Garry, you know how to get me going.)
I know that I need to get back to the topic at hand, and I will, but indulge me just a bit more. Here are Mr. Seale’s chapter titles:
Do you really care?
Who sets the standard?
Rising hemlines
Disappearing ears
Who is on the Lord’s side? (I’m guessing that Gary says he is, but not that short-skirted harlot).
All of this to hopefully take some of the air out of the fear I spoke about earlier. I noticed, as a pastor, something similar to social engineering in regards to the faith of children and young adults. It seemed to me, sometimes, that what really made the difference was the pretense of belief rather than belief itself. I say this pastorally, not as accusation. If you are afraid of the judgment of others, or of self, or of God, then having kids who sound and act as if they believe can make you feel better.
What winds up happening is a kind of coercion of faith, akin to the idea that we can engineer social and mental hygiene. I so want you to be rid of fear about your kids’ faith that I hope to point to what will actually alleviate it. What will remove that fear is an awareness that God is better than you have imagined.
Here is how far I think this goes (this might be controversial, I present it as a possibility). We must come to know that God is so good that we are able let go of fear about our kids’ faith for a lifetime, for a couple of generations. It will likely take this long for the fear to be burned out of congregations and churches. If the fear is burned out by an awareness of the love of God (not by a spiritual complacency) then we will more and more see hopeful faith in our lives and in our families.
In my own prayer life, over my own children, I have aimed to silence the voice of judgment so that I can hear the voice of God. I will tell you that I have never once felt God leading me to be afraid for my kids spiritually, never once. This fear, when it has come, has come from somewhere else, usually from my own insecurity, sometimes from a perceived judgment from the church, or from trying to measure up, to shore up my frail sense of self. What I feel from God (yes this is faith talk) is a continued direction to notice the humanity and wonder of the two young men who Jen and I have been blessed to call sons for over 20 years now.
I’m not an absent parent, physically or spiritually. I count this as a grace more than an accomplishment. Of course, I beat myself up at times for my own failings as a parent, but in every prayer for my kids, I feel that God calls me to HOPE, not to fear. And there is tremendous reason for hope. God is better than I can imagine, and I already imagine (because I have been told that if I have seen Jesus, I have seen God) that God is very good.
The reason I suggest that some may have to let go of the fear for a lifetime or for a couple of generations is that it can take that long for it to burn out. You can’t let go of fear as a tactic to get a result. There’s still fear underneath that move. If the fear lifts, you will see God, perhaps in a way that you have never seen God before. This sight will be more joyous for you and more life-giving to those you love than fear ever ever was.
Prayers for those who would like to let go of the fear. May you be richly blessed.