Is it okay to leave?
Many conversations and news items this week were devoted to coverage of an interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry with Oprah Winfrey. The royal couple married in 2018 in London, but separated from the family last year, and then settled in California after a brief stay on Vancouver Island.
There are many contours of consideration from the interview. Piers Morgan’s determination to diagnose the mental health and honesty of someone else led to his angry resignation from his Good Morning Britain job. There was a discussion of racism in British society and there was a description of the apparently amoral role of the tabloid press in England.
The reception of the interview and the view of Meghan Markle in particular divides according to many social, cultural and demographic lines. Young people in general have been more ready to see Meghan as heroic. It has been presented that Markle’s willingness to speak about her mental health struggles will help others to do the same. Older generations have been generally less willing or able to see Markle in such a positive light. Instead, there has been from them a praise of the concepts of duty, familial loyalty and the avoidance of airing dirty laundry.
Any of these considerations are interesting, but one in particular is worth reflection in regards to “evangelically departed”. Is it okay to part company with a family or other close group of people that have been damaging and toxic?
I was a pastor for 25 years. One of the most troubling matters for many pastors is when people decide to leave the church. Most churches are not big. If a person or a family leaves, there can be major implications. It is true that every one of us can be self-centred. People sometimes leave the church simply to find something better. The excesses of consumer culture are endemic in church as well. The churches that grow the quickest are new churches and the majority of that growth tends to be people who leave existing churches. Novelty attracts. There are perhaps many reasons to bely a lack of commitment in our world. If you have troubles in a family, you don’t leave the family. If you have troubles in a church, you should not leave (so goes the argument).
There were people who left the church when I was pastor. I tried my best to never ever pressure people to stay. I saw in some cases that people may do better in other churches. I even saw that given the toll that church could have on some people, they may do better by not being part of a church.
One good friend of mine grew up in the church. He volunteered in many roles. He was superstar leader and he eventually became employed in another church. He was full of life and joy, but there was struggle as well. I met with him a year ago after having not seen him for some time. He looked better than he ever had before. He told me that he had never felt better in his life. I asked him what the big difference was. He said that he had completely left church. His was doing as much or more than he ever had to help other people. His job was working with people caught in addiction. Should he have stayed in the church?
More than one thing can be true at the same time. It is true that we can have a bit of a problem with commitment culturally. Almost every church has had those discussions. It is also true, however, that some people would do better to leave a church or a particular social context.
Many of the blessings of my life have come through my connection with the church. My vocational identity has been shaped by the church and for that I remain grateful.
However, I do think that there are some people in church who would find greater health and freedom and maybe even impact in the world if they left church. This is not a new feeling for me. I felt it when I was the pastor of a traditional church as well. I still attend church and I often think about how I would not know some of the most wonderful people in my life if it were not for church. Social groups today tend to be affinity groups by hobby or cause or age. The church reaches across many of those boundaries.
At this point in my life, my connection to church is present, but not as enmeshed as it was for the past 40 years. I loved working at the church for more than 25 years, but there has not yet been a day or a minute in which I wish I was still there.
Sometimes it might be better to leave. My prayers now are punctuated by the occasional thought of someone who I went to church with for years who I think would have done so much better if they had left. Leaving is sometimes a positive and hopeful thing to do. Most pastors would feel a lot better if they could openly acknowledge this to themselves and to church leadership.
Another friend of mine grew up in an abusive family and church context. Her family was part of an extremely conservative, patriarchal church structure. Her father was a respected leader (for a time), but he was also abusive.
Here is her Facebook comment on Meghan Markle’s interview and Piers Morgan’s response;
“He just kept hammering home that it says so much about Meghan’s character (in a negative light) that she cuts people out of her life. Really? Her own dad?! Yes, her own dad. You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life because you share the same blood.”